Here we are again…sigh.

rainy_days_by_Ronaaa

Time to get for real’zy

I realized that lately I have been feeling uber ugly.

Since turning 30 on Dec.28th.2013 so much has just gone to shit. OR SO I FEEL. I have reverted to having no confidence, no self-esteem (again, nothing new for me.) I MEAN a little would be nice every now and then, but I only seem to attain it once in the illusive blue moon.

Honestly I have been getting acne, which to the layman is no big deal, but it seems to bother me A LOT. I mean how confident can one be with a big ass ZIT on my chin like a bulls eye. I am not trying to be vein. Though I could see how it could come off that way.

But know this about me. MY WHOLE life I have come from a place of utter self-hatred. It eats away at me everyday, telling me, “I’m worthless, less than, not smart, I’m stupid, fat, ugly” I mean this is the PG version of how I feel. Realistically, I would call my self-derogatory names like slut and whore. I MEAN THIS IS HOW MY SELF talks to my self (the self talk) Again nothing new for me. I’m really letting my guard down with this post. This is how I feel. Its something that holds me back in EVERY aspect of my life. AND I AM SICK OF HOLDING IT IN!

I would consider this the darker side to my self. One that has been nurtured. I HAVE BEEN WORKING MY BUT OFF with self-help books, videos, and phone calls with my counselor. And it all seems to work for a fraction of time. Guess I just got to keep plugging away at it. ALSO, I’m not suicidal or looking for sympathy I don’t need it or want it. This post isn’t a PMS-Poor Me Syndrome. And if you look at ALL the other posts on this blog you will notice that they are all positive/inspirational quotes.

OK at this very moment my thoughts are spinning out of control. I could have been SO MANY THINGS, made my millions (on what I dunno) But I have this BLOCKAGE and its always getting in my way. I feel lost AGAIN! FUCK really!!! Guess this shit never stops, making me feel hopeless.

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